Baby Jaffe Cries

By Nick / Originally published on SEGABASTARD on May 7, 2007

David Jaffe, worshipped by the Sony fanbase for the one game he made, has recently thrown a small tantrum over the less-than-stellar reviews for his recent PSN Calling Cars thing.
   For some background on Jaffe, he's the guy who said he'd devote his game-making time to producing a game that would force he who played it to burst into tears. After he abandoned that idea, he wanted to devote his time to the creation of Calling All Cars and other simple games, as that's where he sees games going.
   Apparently, we're not with him yet, because the review machine hasn't satisfied his needs. The 8s given by 1UP and IGN were "about right", but the 6.7 given by GameSpot was "simply unfair". He wants the game to be judged by whether or not it does what it set out to do, an asinine request from a spoiled moron who is used to the PS3 fanbase kissing his ass. He says that while GameSpot must look out for interests of the consumers in all aspects, he would appreciate blah blah blabber.
   Jaffe doesn't get it, and this affliction runs deep for many developers (and devoted fans): reviews aren't objective. The single criterion upon which a game is to be judged is whether or not the judge likes it. End of story. We're not safety inspectors ensuring a building is stable enough to withstand certain windspeeds. We're consumers, players of games who have naught to judge but enjoyment.
   The tricky part is when reviewers think they do have to judge from a certain perspective, or take developers' intentions into account and whatnot. You see this bullshit from IGN all the time, buckling and bowing to pressure from whiners like Jaffe. Game reviewing requires absolutely no special talent besides typing and arrogance; GameSpot's opinion is worth the same as anyone else's. If someone decides he doesn't like this ridiculous PSN bullshit game for whatever reason, it's legit. He's the consumer, his tastes are all for which he can account.
   GameSpot did one better though, in that they actually accounted for the problems. Of course, this demonstrated their review inflation by scoring a 6.7 where a 5 was probably more appropriate from the text. According to them, it's mindless, the weapons are pointless (and only three in number), the single-player takes 20 minutes tops, and there's only four maps. Jaffe's response?
   That's what he set out to do.
   Jaffe goes on to mention the price, of course, which is beyond desperate. By this non-logic, all three Burger King games would be 10s simply because they're only 4 bucks each and they shipped with graphics. Jaffe, by your crybaby logic, Big Bumpin' is far better than your game.
   In true whiny nerd fashion, Jaffe posted again, this time in response to what others had posted about his post. Confused? Here. His sad tirade is aimed at Joystiq, who called him out for being a sissy and for pulling the release of this crappy game after the bad reviews came out (TO FIX BUGS OF COURSE). Jaffe, in this insane rant, calls Joystiq "fucktards" and says they're not good game journalists. He also vows to "go dark" because of this incident and people close to him who have been "hurt".
   For all his juvenile idiocy, Joystiq actually gives in and apologizes. Likely, they want to not lose any "inside" track they might have with his projects. Or whatever. Why bow down to this lunatic? Is God of War really so great that it justifies this dude acting like a 13-year-old GameFAQs dumbass? Calling All Cars sounds like it really blows, and this guy's scared to release it because the reviews weren't good enough for him. Do you really have to kiss his ass?
   Jaffe clearly acted like a spoiled brat here. What do you do with spoiled brats, besides throwing their SNESes down the stairs? You don't play with them anymore and you tell the other kids they have syphilis. Spoiled kids, no matter the coolness of their toys, are never fun to have around. Their crying and whining gets old fast, and they're the disloyal tattle-tales who ruin the fun and make games like Calling All Cars. Jaffe, you're no better than ZELduhMASTER9-1-91, your game is no better than Burger King Game 2, and unfortunately, Joystiq seems no stronger than the battered wife who apologizes to her abuser.