INSOMNIA

How To Write An E3 Article

By Nick / Originally published on SEGABASTARD on May 7, 2006


A special time

E3 is at our doors again, and tomorrow lets loose the flood of news and self-important game dorks bringing it to you. In honor of this taxing time for game sites, SB presents a "how-to" guide to reporting on E3!

Make yourself sound important

This task is a piece of cake if you're a small-fry site like "Gamenoobs.com" or something. Simply being at E3 is enough of a big deal to make brown your whiteys. The hardest part will be to not work your enthusiasm into every paragraph; conservative, casual mention is all that's needed.
   Now, if you're a big site or major magazine (or even a crappy mag like Play), you must beat people to death with your importantness. Every article must let readers know that your site is a major player in the games biz, or that your mag is the most-subscribed mag in the biz. Sodomize the word "journalist" as you describe your role in the industry. Ensure that you mention how many "exclusive" interviews you got or to how many official press blatherings you were "invited".
   It's important here to act as if no one else is supposed to be at E3. E3 is YOUR show, the other ten thousand people are there only to get out of the sun. This ties directly into the next important to-do.

Bitch about people being there

Even though you can fully choose not to attend the show, leaving an absolute army of people prepared to storm the gate in your place, it's important to whine ceaselessly about how many people are there.
   Make sure you complain that other attendees aren't as important as you; your site is the only important site. Your mag is the only mag. Everyone else is a poser and doesn't deserve to hear Miyamoto explain why waving a controller around justifies paying for a brand new GameCube.
   E3 is a massive public event. Seeing new games unveiled first-hand and getting to play games that won't be released for another year might seem like fun, but dig deep. Remember that there were other people there, and that it shouldn't be that way for an important guy like you.

Give dumb awards

Though it might seem like the ultimate example of a meaningless award, it's important to coronate various "winners" at E3. "Game of Show" is a perfect example of such an award — don't let it being an in-development video stop you from dubbing MGS4 your game of show, PSM.
   Awarding products that aren't finished might seem like a fantastic waste of brain to common people, but you're an important game "journalist", so don't be intimidated. I suggest "Best Graphics" to anything Sony shows in video form and "Sleeper Hit" to anything drawing a vague comparison to Psychonauts.

Talk about booth babes

If you write about games for a living, or if you have any such desire, you surely don't get to see many women no matter their level of clothing. So when EA assembles a group of women dressed as elves, or when Namco gets some generic Asian girls to dress as their generic Asian characters, it's time to let loose with the ink.
   Make no effort to hide your ejaculatory enthusiasm at the prospect of talking to a girl. The girls are paid to stand next to a plastic statue of Duke Nukem; take all the pictures your CyberShot will hold! Your game writing will give you a chance to bring forth that sad nerd in you who is too timid to pee with the lights on, giggling at the absurdity of you in the presence of women who won't run.

Talk about drinking

This is the most crucial aspect of any E3 report. If you don't mention how much you drink, you won't seem cool to 13-year-olds. And plus you'll never write for Maxim Brazil Edition!
   Drinking is the great common denominator for "cool" and "nerd". A "game journalist" isn't going to go to the gym or buy non-tapered jeans or talk to girls, but anyone can drink! Thus, it's essential to pack tightly your article with anecdotes of how "SEGA throws a hell of a party!!!!!!" or "Sony had sooooooo much free booooze". Your fanbase is comprised of like-situated nerds who are equally as incapable of social adjustment. Indulge your insecurities as well as theirs with exaggerated tales of alcohol machismo!

The Truth

Game "journalists" are a joke. They're nerds lucky enough to do for a living what so many nerds only wish they could do. They just have the whiny balls enough to complain about it from time to time.
   These people aren't important. It's E3 — everyone gets an "exclusive" interview. The vendors are there to answer questions for crying out loud. You're all "invited" to Sony's press conference because that's what it is: a press conference. Why the hell would these companies blow all that cash on those ridiculous pageants and let just you know?
   And don't think you're excluded, no matter how big you are. IGN? EGM? Don't think you're not "that guy". Don't think you don't act like a complete queef when talking about booth babes. Seriously, if you've ever remarked about a "booth babe", you're a hopeless loser. Don't pretend you aren't the guy looking up "roofie" recipes on the internet. Don't think that your site or your mag is the "cool site" or mag at E3, that you drink because you actually are cool. Sony knows you're losers. Microsoft knows. That's why they offer you wine coolers and women dressed like Lara Croft. Because you're fucking dorks.
   So as you buckle up for the E3 announcement thrill ride, be prepared for another season of self-importance, dumb awards, pointless whining, and endless gloating about liquor. Somewhere in there will be news about a game you like, along with an onslaught of ads for E3 DVDs or podcasts of course.