One-minute "indie" reviews

[icycalm]

The idea for this thread is that I start it off by writing a one-minute review (in this style) of some "indie" tripe, and then stipulate the next game in line, to be reviewed by someone else. Then the person who reviews it picks a game for the next person, and so on and so forth. If anyone's having trouble thinking up games, just go here:

http://www.tigsource.com/
http://indiegames.com/

and pick the first game you see (which is what I did for the opening game), or go through their archives or something.

If you participate, please put real effort in this and do not fucking bullshit me. These reviews will eventually go in the resurrected "one-minute" section of the site, and will be prominently linked around the site and the rest of the internet. The good thing here though is that "real effort" in playing "indie" games rarely consists of more than ten to fifteen minutes, with an extra five or ten to write the review. So, as long as you have some general idea of the game's genre, and you pay attention for those few minutes you're playing it, there's no reason why the review should not turn out, if not great, then at least acceptable. The other great thing about these games is that, since the bums themselves are utterly ignorant of the history of the genres they are working on, you do not need a comprehensive knowledge of them to review their games either. Of course such knowledge helps, in that if you have it you are able to trash their games all the more impressively (by pointing out all the ways in which they are retrogressing compared to all the classics, etc.), but the basic points of clumsy controls, limited moveset, poor aesthetics, lack of challenge and proper pacing, etc. etc. should be easy to point out for just about everybody.

So. That's the idea. I also encourage people to give already-reviewed games a try, and to post their comments on both these games and the quality of the reviews. I.e. you do not have to contribute a new review in order to post in this thread. You can also make observations, or voice different opinions, or simply call bullshit on something someone else has said.

It goes without saying that the vast majority of games will get one or two stars -- perhaps even all of them, in fact. If you find something that you think is worth more, on the other hand, by all means do not be afraid to say so. You will in fact be doing me a service, since I will go out of my way to try the game and talk it over with you (this is euphemism for brainwash you into changing your mind, lol). So far the only "indie" game I've seen that may be worth three stars is Super Meat Boy, and even then I am not so sure because I haven't played it all that much. It will be really interesting to discover another such title -- which is the secondary objective of this project (the primary objective is of course to defend the artform from the bums).

Lastly, please follow the format of my first example for your contributions, and enjoy the show!

[icycalm]

** IMPASSE

I was really impressed at first with this truly elegant, minimalist turn-based puzzler (not that it's difficult to be "elegant" when you are also being "minimalist", mind, but still...), and went through several stages before realizing that I could simply skip them by pressing the "+" button lol. It's not a cheat; the movelist menu simply lists that as one of your options, lol, no explanation or justification needed. Gotta love those fags! Still waiting for that "win" button here. Other cons: No music, basic sfx, and, worst of all, very limited stage designs and extremely short length. The basic idea is nevertheless sound; it's what they did with it that disappoints.



Next game: Momodora

[Some guy]

* Momodora

With visuals identical to Doukutsu Monogatari I expected this game to have a similar level of complexity as Doukutsu Monogatari but it manages to be even simpler. You can deal with almost all of the enemies by simply slowly moving forward and slashing/shooting at them. There's no weapon power up system, no touch of inertia to the movement, you can change direction in mid air whilst retaining your speed making it easy to avoid projectiles or spikes. You can't even shoot upwards! The enemies are slow and never present any challenge. The music is also dull.



Next game: Don't Look Back

[icycalm]

1. The visuals are "identical" to Doukutsu Monogatari? What are you, blind?

2. There was nothing wrong with Doukutsu Monogatari's complexity -- you just seem to not have understood anything I said in my review. As far as mechanics went the game was almost as modern as it gets, so the "even simpler" comment is unwarranted. You are just clumsily aping criticism you've seen me level at other games, instead of looking at what you have in front of you and coming up WITH YOUR OWN GODDAMN CRITICISMS on the spot. It would have been enough to say "the mechanics here are very simple" -- by adding the stupid Doukutsu comparisons (which you think will make you look smart) you are only making yourself seem stupid to anyone who knows better.

3.

you can change direction in mid air whilst retaining your speed making it easy to avoid projectiles or spikes.

And so what? The same is true of practically every platformer bar Makaimura. What sort of retarded criticism is this?

4.

You can't even shoot upwards!

Again, so what? The same is true of the vast majority of platformers and run and guns. Is there even any REASON for this game to be an exception and allow you to shoot upwards? Do you even know what a "reason" is? You are just copy-pasting my criticisms from random reviews (this one from the Spelunky one) without having the foggiest comprehension of the games those criticisms were level at or my clearly-stated reasoning.

Dumb, dumb, dumb. You are probably not even trying to bullshit me -- you are just fucking dumb. I could probably salvage this review by cutting out the bullshit, but I am so offended that you posted it I won't bother. You are lucky I don't feel like banning you right now.


Edit: The link to the next fucking game is not even working. Banned.

[SriK]

This is a cool idea. My review of the last game, since Some guy's wasn't up to par:

(EDIT: Rating edited from two stars to one star as requested.)

* Momodora



Another "indie" action game claiming to be short but challenging; surprise, it has save points spaced out every 5 minutes! And, since the challenge level is so low anyway, you won't even need them. Enemies are slow and weak; in the first half of the game, you're equipped with a long-range gun, but enemies only use basic attacks within a short range (most of them have to collide with you directly to do any damage) so you'll be able to dispatch most of them without any danger. In the second half, enemies fire some (slow-moving) projectiles at you, but at this point you'll have found a recharging shield, homing missiles, and an even more quick and powerful gun, so it's as much of a joke as before. The graphics are bland, and the music fits well enough but is unmemorable. Nothing much to see here.

Next game: Noitu Love 2: Devolution

[icycalm]

I don't see why this game deserves two stars, and nothing in your review indicates that it does. Braid, Spelunky and Limbo got two stars: are you seriously saying that this game is worth as much as them?

As for the next game being Noitu Love 2 -- why not Noitu Love? That's why I picked Momodora instead of the sequel -- someone can do the sequel after we've done the first game (preferably the same person).

[SriK]

While the game was bad, it wasn't Flower, Flow, Knytt, or Canabalt levels of bad. But yeah, it's definitely not as good as even Limbo or Braid either (or Cave Story, which it was inspired by.) One star would be okay then.

And good point about Noitu Love 2. Here's the link to the original.

[icycalm]

Okay, edit the review with the new rating then, so that I don't make a mistake when lifting it from the forum for publication.

[icycalm]

As for this:

While the game was bad, it wasn't Flower, Flow, Knytt, or Canabalt levels of bad.

A game doesn't have to be offensively bad to get a one-star rating. It can be inoffensive, and still a complete waste of time compared to other games you could be playing. There is absolutely no reason to play a game with the kind of mechanics and aesthetics found in Momodora in 2011, with the history of the genre stretching back over three decades, and including hundreds upon hundreds of veritable masterpieces. Braid, on the other hand, may still be worth an hour or two for the time manipulation and the 720p backgrounds, Limbo for the 720p graphics again, and Spelunky for the gimmicky randomization, just to try something radically different for a while, even if it doesn't properly work.